3. And later today when I drove 2 hours (each way) to the north of the Netherlands, and back home - to pick up Naomi and her friends - it was a beautiful drive, no traffic, I stayed alert and awake, was not stressed by the long drive, and everything went smoothly. Yarden must have been there with me. 4. And although it rained this morning, the sun soon came out, and the sky, which was filled with puffy cotton balls is now a light clear blue. I don't know what to say Yarden, except thank you for being the child and the angel you are, the gift I received so I could treasure life now so dearly. | 1. Yesterday Margot said to me, 'Tomorrow is Yarden's birthday, how do you feel?' and I didn't know quite how I felt. He's been gone a long time, I want to explain, and yet he's still here, hanging around. 2. Like today, when I played golf and on hole 6, which is really an easy hole, I just kept hitting crazy balls. And at one point, I said to Yarden, "Help me out here, ok?" and my hitting just got worse and worse. But I laughed at it, because it felt like Yarden WAS there with me, playing around, throwing my ball into the bushes and I didn't get frustrated in the least, because it was all a fun game! I could virtually hear him giggling at and with me! |
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In a sad, humble way, I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert in grief. And believe me, it was the last thing I thought I could ever manage.
What I want, what I can have…..
(it's Yarden's 19th birthday, and I'm redoing his website... found this blog I wrote another time...and its still valid of course...) As a child, my life felt void of meaning, until various external, future events would trigger a feeling of excitement and anticipation. A visit from my grandmother, who lived on the East Coast, a holiday, a party we could attend, a trip to my aunt and uncle. As I grew older, I will still motivated by the future I would have, the career I would build, the money I’d earn, the man I’d marry, the children I would have. Eventually, there he was, my first child, and I was swamped in the present. In the diapers and crying, rashes and tantrums, illogical demands of a baby who cannot tell me what he wants and expects. I rushed back to work, where adults speak with words and body language I can understand, and have expectations I can meet. Arrange that event, contact that person, make a deal, earn us a profit… And then my son fell ill; they thought he would die on that first day on the operating table… but he survived. He was riddled with cancer and yet he smiled, he laughed, he sang, danced even. Suddenly, through this child of mine, this meaningful person who I had not yet learned to fully appreciate, I learned that today is the day that is full of meaning. That anticipation might be of more illness, or death, so it was better to stay in the here and now. The house filled up with visitors, my inbox with good wishes, my life suddenly overflowing with both joy and tears. And although Yarden has moved on from this world to the next, he has left me with many gifts. Among them, an enormous feeling of gratefulness for what I do have. For the day, for the moment, my senses, health, friends and family, a good place to live, my surviving children, my ever-growing capacity to love. “The past is history, the future a mystery, the present is a gift.” (unknown) It's late at night and bed is calling me, but strange and good things have been happening since I started this blog.
I got a LOT of work done today on a new course I'm developing - and somehow all the answers I needed came floating happily into my mailbox! The kids actually made dinner tonight !!! It's unbelievable! And it was great! I found the four lost feedback /grades that I thought I had lost forever for my students. I slept like a log last night. I've had high energy all day (probably because I slept like a log last night). And when i was in the shower last night before bed, I asked Yarden a question - just regular advice - you know, the regular stuff one might ask your almost 18 year old son who isn't really in front of me, but still he hears everything I say - and he replied too! And it was a good answer that made perfect sense. Not only that, but many loving people got in touch with me after reading the last blog...via facebook. Thank you - my loving friends and family. Love and light to you all... I thought it would be a good idea to update Yarden's website... and learn a new web building software at the same time. Yaara suggested Weebly. Yarden, what do you think? I was looking for a more 'childish' background, but couldn't find one. But Yarden would be almost 18 now, so maybe the Winnie the Pooh theme. The bare tree is a bit sad, but such is life, and Yarden going away to live in a 'virtual' spiritual world instead of here is sad too. So, maybe the background is fitting. After all, I do love the clouds. I'm not sure if it's because Yarden died in the fall (what short fall there is in Israel), but that's the time of the cumulus clouds that roll in and I always used to imagine him bouncing up and down on the clouds like on a giant trampoline. Sometimes in an airplane, just as we rise through and above the clouds, I keep my eyes peeled in case I happen to see Yarden there after all...
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AuthorI'm the mom. The mom to Yarden who should be creating his own website instead of me having to do it for him. Archives
July 2015
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